One Step Closer

We are hoping to receive an information packet from the local adoption agency today so we can continue working with our social worker on our home study. This adoption process is such a racket. Once we are through it and we have our daughter I am seriously contemplating getting more involved somehow. My husband and I have already joined a local group specializing is families with children adopted from China. There is another group my social worker is involved with that she encouraged us to check out. They aren’t solely involved in Chinese adoptions but all adoptions per se. There is also a conference next year that we plan on attending in Maryland. This conference is hosted by our “official” adoption agency. I am registered to start school again next spring to work on another master’s degree. This degree will be specializing in adolescence education. My goal is to become an English teacher so I can get away from corporate America once we have our daughter. (I also plan on writing a book about this whole experience.) Hopefully I will be able to take classes in Mandarin for my foreign language pre-requisite. Life is just speeding by while we patiently wait for a child. I guess it’s best to keep busy especially during this process.

As of today we still need to be fingerprinted and have our adoption statement signed and notarized. My husband is crazy busy at work with the holiday season so these two tasks most likely will have to wait until after Christmas. I mean, I can run over to police headquarters on my lunch hour but he’ll have to wait for a day off. Once these tasks are completed we can fill out the local adoption agency’s application and send them yet another large fee because even though we are not using them for our adoption they must be paid to process the background checks and file our fingerprint cards. That whole background check, fingerprint process thing takes between 6-8 weeks. In the meantime we have to mail all of our already notarized documents to our social worker (employment letters, doctor’s statements, all financial statements (bank accounts, investments, mortgage, car lease, and credit cards), good citizen letters from the police and adoption statement and recommendation letters from non-relatives. I am sure there is more; I just don’t have “the list” in front of me. I am still not sure how we are going to pay for everything. We will find away. We always do. Thankfully we both still have good jobs when many folks are really struggling.

I think the coolest thing about the whole aspect of waiting to become a parent is the perspective. I sort of had it before but it’s so much clearer now. A wise woman once explained to me there is never a ‘right’ time to have a child. You never have enough money or enough time but some you manage. You make it work. I totally get it now.

Another Chinese Word of the Day !

宾馆
bīnguǎn
/ guesthouse /

Chinese Word of the Day

I've already fallen behind on my word of the day posts! Ugh... Today's word is quite appropriate:

学期
xuéqī
/ term / semester /

Here's to lifelong learning ! The spring semester is right around the corner so I got a little chuckle from this one. Now I just have to learn to pronounce it : )

Chinese Word of the Day

Since my hubby and I began our adoption journey we have promised ourselves to learn Chinese. I know this is a task of monumental proportion but it is necessary. I thought it might be a good idea to blog more frequently and include a "Chinese word of the day" to help ourselves learn and encourage anyone who may read this blog and know anything about the language to chime in. So today's word is:

上午
shàngwǔ
"morning"

Oh Tannenbaum (Oh Christmas Tree)

Today was the second meeting with our social worker. My hubby did not need to be present for this one. She basically reviewed all the stuff we spoke about in our first meeting and asked for clarifications on a few items. She gave me a "to do" list of all the documents she needed copies of and we talked about the online classes we were taking. We discussed the recommendation letters that we needed from non-relatives. Another task I found daunting. How do you ask your friend to write a letter to a stranger telling them you are a good person, fit to be a parent an provide examples of our 'goodness' as human beings? It was weird, but I made my requests and we are just waiting for the letters to come back.

After the formalities I decided to be a total yenta and ask our social worker about her adoption experience. She used to work for a school district but after she and her husband adopted their second child she decided to switch gears and become and adoption social worker. They were able to have their first child naturally but something happened and the weren't able to have anymore biological children. Ironically she and her husband are different faiths (he's Catholic and she is Jewish- they are raising their children as Jews). Much like my husband, she was totally excited about the whole Christmas tree experience the first year they were married. She said she even hosted tree trimming parties ! I got a kick out of hearing her decorating stories about the hand made glass blown ornaments she collected. She and her hubby decided to skip they Christmas tree when the kids came along because they were being raised Jewish and it was just easier for them.

I am still not sure about that aspect yet. I am no longer a practicing Catholic but I love having a Christmas tree. It is one of the few memories of my childhood that brings me sheer and unmitigated joy. It was also one of the rare times I saw my mother truly happy. Both she and my Gram got such a kick out of Christmas. I swear my mom's sole purpose during this time of year was to spoil everyone and she took great pleasure in doing so. I guess it's a family trait because I too love to spoil everyone now. It's my way of paying it forward. Let's face it- it's a great tradition even if there isn't always a lot of money to go around there is always a lot of love and food and laughter. Our house is now designated as the family get together spot on Christmas Eve ...and as dysfunctional as some family members may be my house is the sanctuary. No drama is allowed. Ironically it is peaceful every year (knock wood).I would find it kind of hard not to share that joy with my child.

Even though my uncle passed away several years ago (a major competitor in the Christmas spoiling tradition with my mom) my aunt (who is Jewish and is holding tight to the spoiling ritual herself) still puts up a tree every year with my cousin (who is also Jewish). They do so in memory of him and I think that's kind of cool. Maybe our Christmas trees are not so much a religious symbol but more of a symbol of the Christmas spirit - that beautiful time of year when people realize what is truly important in this crazy world: Peace and Love. Which, the last time I checked, had no specific religious affiliation.

Who knew Social Workers had a sense of humor ?

Yesterday my hubby and I had our first meeting with a social worker who will determine if we and our home are suitable for adopting a child. The interview was three (3) hours long. She asked us everything: we had to give details of our lives as children- what our parents were like, how we were disciplined, what holidays we celebrated and our memories of life in general. I forgot a lot about my life in highschool. I was in fact a straight A student, on the honor roll and graduated 53rd in a class of 600 with a regents diploma. I wrote for the school newspaper and was the music director for the highschool radio station. As I spoke all I could think is "how will this determine if I am a good parent?" It was weird reliving those memories.

When we got to the point where we discussed our relationship my husband teared up as he recalled our first meeting and first few dates. Yes we met online and yes I was the first girl he ever brought home to meet his family. Watching him speak to a total stranger about me and how I am the best thing to ever happen to him left me speechlees. He grabbed a tissue and wiped his eyes a few times as he spoke. When it was my turn to speak about us I did my usual tap dance with humor and made him and the social worker laugh. I told the story of how he worked in Manhattan and would drive to Long Island to take me out on Friday nights. After several weeks of this I started to offer to cook dinner for him and rent movies so the poor guy could save some money (LOL). One night before he left work he called me to give me a head's up that he was leaving and asked me if I needed anything. He said "You know; milk, bread, eggs. Do you need anything?" I politely said no and told him to drive carefully. After we hung up I called my aunt and told her about our conversation. "He's the one" I told her. I was that simple. Less than two years later we were married.

When the social worker completed our interview she did a tour of our house and we showed her which bedroom we would redecorate for our daughter. A daughter whom we have never met. A daughter whom might not yet be born. A stranger. As we stood in the bedroom looking at the closets and the windows I glanced at my husband: the man who completes me and makes life all the good things it should be. We were once strangers too.

Just the facts Ma'am...and get 'em notarized

The past few weeks I have had a terrible cold and haven't done too much of anything except work on the adoption dossier and home study requirements with my hubby. The paperwork involved is so incredibly tedious and everything has to be notarized. So far we have had our physicals with our doctors complete with bloodwork, schlepped to police headquarters for our 'good citizen' letters stating we are not criminals, made an appointment with the social worker for a home visit, requested employment verification letters from our respective employers and signed up for the required online home study courses. Phew. We still have to complete our application for the home study which by the way must be done through a local adoption agency because the one we are using is out of state.

Part of that application requires a brief statement as to why we want to adopt. My hubby and I have to write seperate statements on on desire to be parents. Oh, the pressure ! How exactly does one request to be a mom ? How do I convey the deepest feelings in my heart ? You know those feelings ....as soon as you type them and see the words in black and white your eyes well up with tears and a lump lodges squarely in your throat. To speak the words out loud is almost unfathomable. After much consideration over how to express myself I finally finished my letter and somehow read it aloud to my husband. He smiled and told me I did a good job. He has yet to complete his letter. Hopefully he will finish tonight so we can mail that portion out to the agency.
In the meantime I picked up a copy of the book "I Love You Like Crazy Cakes" and keep it on my nightstand. It's a children's book written by Rose Lewis and illustrated by Jane Dyer. It tels the story of Ms. Lewis' journey through the adoption of a little girl from China. It's a touching story and beautifully illustrated. I just hope that one day my husband and I will be reading that book to our own daughter.

Lost In Translation

We had our first hiccup in our adoption process. Part of the process is a home study. This entails working with a social worker, getting interviewed, fingerprinted and all the necessary background checks. We have to request this home study through a local agency because the adoption agency we are using is out of state. I called the local agency and left a message for a coordinator to call me back because my hubby and I were sending in an application (and check) for the home study and we wanted to touch base. The person never called back. The social worker called tonight to say she spoke to the person at the local agency to give her a head's up and the person said she had not yet heard from us (insert frustrated sigh here). The social worker gives me the woman's direct number -I used a toll free number on the local agency's website the first time I called because well, the social worker told me to (insert raised eyebrow here). I called the new number this evening got voicemail and left another message. If I do not receive a call back tomorrow by noon I will be calling again.

I know this is bothering me more than it really should. I am well organized and detailed oriented when it comes to certain things in my life. Sure I let my desk get messy and I don't clean out my fridge as often as I should. Important things however, like medical records, insurance documents, paperwork concerning my future child are paramount. If this is how I can expect things to run (translation not smoothly) I am going to have issues. I can only hope that I can contain my razor sharp tongue from saying anything too detrimental. I know that would be bad....very bad and I need to keep myself in check (this is why I married my husband: restraint and tech support...more on that in a later blog).

Another bothersome component of this process: the employment letter. The agency requires that we both get letters documenting our employment and that we are not in jeopardy of losing our jobs. Um, hello? Is anyone in tune with what is going on right now ? Why don't they just ask us to bring a psychic in and have them give a reading on videotape on what the future holds. Absolutely incredulous. I know you need to be able to provide for your new child but how can one predict a layoff or a change in technology or a company going belly up ? There has to be a better way. Make people take a skills assessment test like you do in school to determine what area you are best suited to work. What happens if a parent loses their job 2 years after an adoption? Will they come and take the child away from you until you get another job ? Sorry to go on about this but the bottom line is if I were to lose my job I would bust my ass 100 times harder than the next guy/gal to find a new one because that's just who I am. Too bad they don't ask for a sworn affidavit concerning one's work ethic.

Each journey begins with a single step

After years of infertility issues my husband and I have made the decision to adopt a child. I have started this blog to help document our journey and hopefully hear from others about their adoption experience.

In August of this year my husband and I went to a workshop for an adoption agency that specializes in adoptions from China. We learned of this agency through his brother and wife who adopted a little girl in 2006. We had researched domestic adoption and were concerned about the rights of birthparents. I personally discovered my own adoption records in 1999 after my mom passed away. The man who I thought was my father actually adopted me when I was 5 years old. I know the name of my birthfather and started the nightmare search of trying to find him but stopped myself. I was filled with a plethora of emotion. Maybe he didn’t want to be found. Maybe he was dead. I knew he had a wife and other children. Maybe he never told them about me. I could affect his life in a negative way by exposing the truth. My want and longing for a man I had never met was heartbreaking. I know it may sound selfish but I do not want my child to go through that anguish. As a parent I don’t want to worry about my child being taken away from me in any way.

Chinese adoptions are different. Most Chinese children placed for adoption are abandoned by their parents. They are left in public places and often have no record of a family. Abandonment is commonplace because of the one child law imposed by the Chinese government. Regardless of its frequency it is also illegal therefore children usually have no information on them when found. If the child is lucky enough to be taken in by the police, hospital or governmental agency and placed in an orphanage her picture is displayed were she was found and any family member has 3 months to claim her before the government severs all family rights.

With that in mind my husband and I applied to adopt from China and were accepted as eligible candidates. We have paid the first installment of the adoption fee and have begun compiling our dossier for the Chinese government. The dossier includes (but is not limited to) original copies of various documents such as our birth certificates, marriage license, employment verification letters, health verification letters signed by our doctors, home study completion and social worker interviews. All documentation needs to be notarized. It’s a huge undertaking. We spoke to a social worker last week who had been through this process personally. Too bad they don’t require the same stringent documentation for birth parents. But I digress. All of this will be worth the effort if it means China will honor us with the most precious gift of all: a child.

So our journey has officially begun. The paper trail has started and we are dreaming of the day we get our referral for a child. I wake up every morning wondering if our daughter is out there. I don’t know where she is or what she looks like. I can only hope and pray she is warm, fed and loved by someone until we find her. In the meantime I read all I can about China and her culture. I watch National Geographic and the History channels hoping to get a glimpse of her hometown wherever it may be. I read adoption stories of other American families who have travelled to China to adopt. They all tell of the ancient Chinese proverb about the red thread. “An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but never break.” I sit at my dining room table and stare out the window and wonder if our thread is reaching her. Does she know that two people a world away already love her and are waiting? Is there an angel watching over her for us until we arrive? We can only pray and hope.