I am the worst blogger EVER!

So, I am thinking I am the worst blogger in the world or maybe because there is no ground shaking adoption news there's not much to write about?

A small victory last Friday: Our 'official' home study was sent back to us with a stamp of approval. On Saturday morning I ran to the post office to send it express mail to homeland security in Chicago. After standing on a very LONG line I find out our debit card only allows for a $500 daily transaction (I needed a money order for $830). I am mad at myself for not realizing this before I even stepped foot in the post office knowing I could not use a credit card for the money order purchase. I take a deep breath and head over to Starbucks because well, it's Saturday morning and I can't think straight without coffee. I get my usual and get back in the car and BAM! I'll just go to the ATM and take out $500 in cash out of our joint account, $330 from my individual account and pay for the money order in cash. Duh. I cut myself some slack because I have had a rough past 2 weeks.

On Monday May 4 @4:45pm a social worker called my home and spoke to my husband. She told him she was looking for the next of kin for my father whom I have not seen since my mom passed away (almost 10 years). The woman would not give my hubby any info except her telephone number. My husband immediately calls me at work and gives me the info and I of course call her right back. She left for the day and I had to wait until Tuesday for her to call me back. I get to my office early on Tuesday morning (7:45am) to find she left me a message at 7:40am. I call her back and hear the news no child wants to hear. My father had a massive heart attack, he was on a respirator and it was just a matter of time. This poor woman wanted to know if I would like to see my father before he passes and if I would like to have any say in his final days of care. I said yes.

I called my sister and asked if she wanted to go with me. She said yes so I drove to her office, picked her up and we headed out to the veteran's hospital. There in the ICU was my dad, hooked up to all the bells and whistles I was all too familiar with. His nurse insisted he was unresponsive but I touched his arm and said "Daddy it's me..." he turned his head and opened his eyes to look right at me. His doctor informed us they worked on him for 45 minutes when his heart stopped so he was most certain there was permanent brain damage. His lungs were all but destroyed by years of smoking. His kidneys were failing. My sister sat motionless staring out the window. I excused myself to step into the waiting room to cry. After I got myself together, I knew I would be making the same decision as I did with my mom. Do not resuscitate. I walked back into the ICU spoke briefly with my sister and then to my dad's doctor.

I looked at my dad feeling a tidal wave of emotion. He was a bad parent, a lousy husband to my mom and just not nice in general. He preferred his liquor over everyone: family, friends you name it. When given the chance to live with me and my husband after my mom died he refused. He sold their house and disappeared. He broke my heart years ago but I still loved him. His heart stopped on May 6. I hope he finds the peace he never had here on earth.

This is why I was so adamant about getting the paperwork mailed on Saturday. Somewhere in China a little girl will be born and her parents will abandon her. I know what that feels like and I don't want her to suffer the way I did. My husband will be the best father in the world and she will never know the pain I have felt. Yes she will have pain from not knowing who her birth parents are. But she will never know and love a father who drifts in and out of her life like the wind. A father who lived a mere 30 miles from his own children and did not want anything to do with them. Our child will be loved and wanted as all children should be.

On Saturday, that money order and paperwork was express mailed because it had to be.